"The Effect of his Absence"
So lately I have been on this self awareness journey. God has been exposing a lot of different things about myself that I didn't even know was there, which has been Beautiful by the way. For some reason, because I seen improvement in a major area, I thought that I arrived to my destination. I thought the process of what I'm dealing with is over. But what I've come to realize is that when it comes to becoming like Christ you never really arrive. You are constantly growing and being perfected. But the process doesn't stop. So the reason why I wanted to write about this subject is because I thought that many would be able to relate. And even those who can't relate can just be aware of how crucial it is for a Father to be present physically and emotionally. Having that lack turns into dysfunction or some kind of void. Having a lack from parents in general has an effect. People may deal with them differently but they are effected by whatever that lack is. I'm realizing how much I was affected and how much it influenced different behaviors or decisions I have made. So lets dive into it. First I must say that I'm really grateful and thankful for the Father that God has blessed me with. My Daddy has always been apart of my life. When I was a young girl my daddy always had me with him. Because he was a preacher I was always with him at church. I use to hate it, sometimes I liked it because I knew we would eat right after, but anyway. My Dad started making me sing. He would teach me songs so that I could sing them the next time we went to church, that was a consistent thing.He was the one who helped develop that gift As I got a little older like in my teens I remember him teaching me how to play the piano. I didn't keep it up but it was the thought that count. Once I got older I really didn't want to sing as much, well I didn't want to be forced to sing. But singing is something that brought My Dad Joy. He loved to brag to other people about how good I can sing and all the things I have accomplished. I remember a year ago on my wedding day for the rehearsal he was holding back his tears, that just made my heart melt. My wedding day was the happiest I have ever seen him. I say all this to say that in no way am I talking down on my father and discrediting everything that he has ever done for me on top of creating me. But as I'm writing my first book about exposing the root of the issue. I have searched for every reason why I am the way I am. And how everything has played apart in my hurts, my insecurities, my fears, and everything else that God has allowed me to expose and peel back. So with that being said. I was affected by his absence and I will describe to you what I mean by that. In one of the chapters of my book I am talking about forgiveness. And as I was writing. I begin to think of everyone I did not forgive. My father was one of them. My father has been there for me. But my father was not there emotionally at all. He's never really been an emotional or intimate Man. So when I got older I began to ask myself why isn't he intimate with me? And I blamed him for it as the years went passed because I felt like he should have given that to me. So back to when I was writing the chapter of forgiveness. I had a discussion with my father and I needed a understanding about what his life was like before me, not to mention talking to him about anything personal or deep is uncomfortable for him. So once I built up the courage to do that My whole attitude towards him changed. My father was abandoned when he was younger. His mother and father died when he was 5. So his Big sister raised him and they weren't a very intimate family. I realized that I didn't need to hold anything against my father because he couldn't give me what he didn't have. I realize that in some situations children want their parents to love them the way they think they should have been loved but didn't take the time out to understand their parents upbringing. Yes to some degree they are accountable, but after you understand their situation are you still going to look at them as if they weren't good enough or at least understand?
When I talked with my father I was asking him why he never told me he loved me and his response was. " I don't need to say I love you. I show you I love you." And that right there showed me where his mindset was. So I had compassion for my Father, even though he lacked intimacy with me, he loved me the way he knew how to. I appreciate that attempt rather than him not giving me anything at all. Because of that talk my Daddy told me He loves me. For him to even consider giving me what he didn't have made me appreciate him more. He was there but not intimately. He gave me things and took me places but emotionally we were disconnected. This is called emotional abandonment. And what it means is when you can't emotionally connect. There is a disconnect and your emotional need are not being met. I wanted hugs and I love you's and long conversations, but I didn't get that. All is forgiven and I don't hold anything against him, but I actually love him even more. Am I still effected by it, of course! My Love language is words of affirmation and I think one of the reasons is because I wanted to hear him say things to me and not hear it from other people. Because I'm married now I want all the attention in the world and I honestly feel like it's abnormal of how much. I think that before I was married the men that I chose to be with always "said" the right things.I would always end up with someone who verbally abuse me because they knew how much their words mattered to me, on top of being unfaithful. So there was talking in my past relationships but actions didn't line up. I think I connected myself with whatever connected with me and that was not good. You want to be accepted more by a man , valued, loved, and appreciated. By actions and words. When you hear people say that God works all things together for your good he truly does. God has blessed me with an AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!! Husband! He gives me everything that I lacked in a Man plus more. But also I think that God blessed My Dad with a sensitive daughter so that I could show him that he don't have to be afraid of love and to dig deeper than the surface. My relationship with my Dad and I have grown tremendously and I just Pray that it continues to grow. But Fear is what continues to affect me. One thing I'm starting to love about being aware of myself is that God continues t peel back the layers and show me who I truly am, and like everyone else I'm constantly learning, changing, and elevating to a better me, and changing those around me.